"How is it that we are just two months away from 2021?!"

Such a cliche opening. But, that's exactly what I feel. I had an internal debate for about a month whether I would write a new blog post before the year is over or no.

The main reason is that I actually don't have anything good to share nor an exciting plan to tell. If anything, this year I'm just surviving. I don't make big plans. I don't even dare to hope for miracles cause I know it will just break my heart into pieces if the Divine told me "Nope, not now. It's not your time". 2020 has taught me the art of surrender. 

Lots of people already had this narrative that 2020 is the worst year ever and I don't blame them for feeling this way because initially, that's exactly what I felt. At the beginning of October, something happened (and I don't want to talk about it here).  That moment or rather I'd say that feeling has triggered me in the worst way possible and I hated it and I don't want to feel it again. Ever.

After hours and hours of crying, I told myself to stop. I just want to reclaim this year, something like "this is my chance!" I will end this year with a good note. I want to do it for me but how? 

Some people have started making physical changes. I've seen my friends do some diet, exercise more regularly, etc. Some people have learned new courses to level up their competency. Some people started a new hobby and many more. 

But how about me? That's the question that I've been contemplating over the nights.

And then it hits me that I want to know myself a little bit better. By identifying what triggers me. By knowing my weaknesses and use those weaknesses to see, to assess what should I do, to learn to overcome or at least to dance around those weaknesses and not beat myself up for not being able to overcome it.  

"Well, I do journaling every day. I talk about my day to my own self in that journal every night. Is it not enough? I know myself lah!" That's probably my initial response if anyone trying to lecture me about myself. Hahahaha.

Here is the thing. Yes, I do write journals but I don't usually re-read it again cause I have this condescending side of me that thinks that I grow into a better person every day. 

Oh boy, I was so wrong. Some part of me actually knows why I don't want to re-read those journals, cause deep down I know that I would blame it to my own self again why the fuck I did not change for the better. After all, I'm my own worst critic.

I didn't know back then that healing or progress or change isn't linear. Sometimes it's going up. On another day, it went back to the starting line. I didn't know that both are okay and there is no shame in taking a few steps back. 

So, I take the courage and re-read pages after pages of my journal this week. Fuck! it is so heavy. It brings all the memories back. All the good and all the bad days. 

I've realized that I went to the same loop over and over again in certain aspects of my life (I hate it cause there are a lot) but also I've realized that hey, not bad Maya not bad, you do indeed make some progress in another aspect.

And what I've realized the most that I really need to do the shadow work very soon, step by step. 

What is shadow work?

Demons, shadows, skeletons in the closet. We all have them. And you can’t just get rid of your shadow, no matter how far you run. When the sun shines even brighter, the shadow is often more apparent.

Everyone carries a dark side, even if we don’t like to admit it. Shadow work can sound scary, and some parts of it may be rather uncomfortable, but it is necessary work to do in order for you to grow into a better person.Our shadow self often harms our life, in ways that are unconscious to us at the time, as a habitual reaction to particular places, people, or things.