"How is it that we are just two months away from 2021?!"

Such a cliche opening. But, that's exactly what I feel. I had an internal debate for about a month whether I would write a new blog post before the year is over or no.

The main reason is that I actually don't have anything good to share nor an exciting plan to tell. If anything, this year I'm just surviving. I don't make big plans. I don't even dare to hope for miracles cause I know it will just break my heart into pieces if the Divine told me "Nope, not now. It's not your time". 2020 has taught me the art of surrender. 

Lots of people already had this narrative that 2020 is the worst year ever and I don't blame them for feeling this way because initially, that's exactly what I felt. At the beginning of October, something happened (and I don't want to talk about it here).  That moment or rather I'd say that feeling has triggered me in the worst way possible and I hated it and I don't want to feel it again. Ever.

After hours and hours of crying, I told myself to stop. I just want to reclaim this year, something like "this is my chance!" I will end this year with a good note. I want to do it for me but how? 

Some people have started making physical changes. I've seen my friends do some diet, exercise more regularly, etc. Some people have learned new courses to level up their competency. Some people started a new hobby and many more. 

But how about me? That's the question that I've been contemplating over the nights.

And then it hits me that I want to know myself a little bit better. By identifying what triggers me. By knowing my weaknesses and use those weaknesses to see, to assess what should I do, to learn to overcome or at least to dance around those weaknesses and not beat myself up for not being able to overcome it.  

"Well, I do journaling every day. I talk about my day to my own self in that journal every night. Is it not enough? I know myself lah!" That's probably my initial response if anyone trying to lecture me about myself. Hahahaha.

Here is the thing. Yes, I do write journals but I don't usually re-read it again cause I have this condescending side of me that thinks that I grow into a better person every day. 

Oh boy, I was so wrong. Some part of me actually knows why I don't want to re-read those journals, cause deep down I know that I would blame it to my own self again why the fuck I did not change for the better. After all, I'm my own worst critic.

I didn't know back then that healing or progress or change isn't linear. Sometimes it's going up. On another day, it went back to the starting line. I didn't know that both are okay and there is no shame in taking a few steps back. 

So, I take the courage and re-read pages after pages of my journal this week. Fuck! it is so heavy. It brings all the memories back. All the good and all the bad days. 

I've realized that I went to the same loop over and over again in certain aspects of my life (I hate it cause there are a lot) but also I've realized that hey, not bad Maya not bad, you do indeed make some progress in another aspect.

And what I've realized the most that I really need to do the shadow work very soon, step by step. 

What is shadow work?

Demons, shadows, skeletons in the closet. We all have them. And you can’t just get rid of your shadow, no matter how far you run. When the sun shines even brighter, the shadow is often more apparent.

Everyone carries a dark side, even if we don’t like to admit it. Shadow work can sound scary, and some parts of it may be rather uncomfortable, but it is necessary work to do in order for you to grow into a better person.Our shadow self often harms our life, in ways that are unconscious to us at the time, as a habitual reaction to particular places, people, or things. 

Ya all know, I am all about tote bags. Tapi karena sekarang kita semua sudah harus memasuki fase new normal di tengah pandemi ini, dimana kita harus siap berdampingan hidup dengan virus covid-19. I finally whipped out my backpack that has been in my closet for years. Who knew akhirnya gue akan ngantor pakai backpack lagi? Waktu masih jadi anak kereta, this backpack has been my go-to bag.

The coronavirus pandemic has thrown the lives of millions of people into a state of uncertainty. I thought it's just gonna be over in a month or two. I thought that I will be fine afterward but no. I honestly will never be the same again.

I also take a break from the news. It can be tempting to constantly check the news during times like this, cause I do. I refresh my twitter feed every five minutes but if you notice this is harming your mental health. Try limiting how often you check the news.

“May, ada yang kirim kue ultah”
“Ha? Who?”
“The hotel staff, I think”
"Really?!!?"

Yesterday, I found out my crush from Uni days finally had a children. Last week, I found out my first boyfriend is going to get married  AND  I also found out my latest ex had his second wedding after getting divorced in just less than a year.

WAIT. WHAT.

Me???? IDK. I'm just being the usual me. Ah, I still don't know a thing about life.

Well, kali ini gue cuma mau catching up sama kalian. Gue terakhir posting di blog ini sekitar akhir November kayaknya ya? Dari bulan November sampai Februari ini, honestly nothing much happened sih. I’ve just so focused and drowned to the endless piles of documents and lots of strategic meetings.

Like seriously, I really really need a distraction from my job gitu loh sekarang. I feel like I've become the old me yang ngerecetin bawahan sampai down to a T, ngerongrong peers yang gag perform dan ngajak “discussion” atasan mulu yang mestinya bukan gue yang ajak.

Gue lupa kalau gue kan udah janji mau berubah, gue mau lebih santai sama kerjaan. Gue mau lebih "okay lah, there is a lot of things that will not go my way. Take a deep breath."  Tapi ternyata gag bisa. Gue tipikal orang yang butuh everything to get done perfectly sampai akhirnya gue baru ngerasa emang beneran done. Uh I hate myself on this.

Enough speaking of work related. Now on a lighter note. Kalian tau kan gue emang udah gag pernah nonton di bioskop. Ya karena emang gag suka nonton and mostly nonton kan karena diajak pacar. Kalau gag punya pacar ya emang gag nonton hahaha. Eh dari November, tau gag sih kalau gue udah ke bioskop 8 kali!!!! Gilaaaa, kalian gak nyangka kan? Sama gue juga.

Terus ya terus masa yah guiseeeee, gue main tinder?!?! hahahhaha. Awalnya gara-gara gak bisa tidur, gue jadi download tinder. Terus I found out that I still reluctant sama relationship. Hahhahaha. Abis mereka nanyanya apa deh? gak ada yang berbobot gitu. Kayak udah makan belum? lagi apa? tinggal dimana? Bye. Can't you talk to me on a heavier subject? LOL

Ada sih yang enak diajak discuss. Ada banget. Malah jatohnya jadi gue nagih ama itu orang. Eniwei, udah gue uninstall sih. Gak sehat buat gue yang emang sebenarnya gag cari laki.

Sejak akhir tahun kemarin, insom gw kambuh lagi. I just can’t shut my mind off. The wheels are always turning. Maybe because that finally this year I'm finally going to be 30 kali ya? Kayak a lot I mean A LOT crosses my mind esp when the world is sleeping.

When I was a child, I remember thinking that the kids who were 17, were proper fully fledged adults. I thought when I too turned 17, I would know what was up and have my shit together. Eh kok gak ya :( Turns out that 30 feels very similar to 29 – surprise, surprise –

Of course ya every life milestone has it’s challenges and it feels like the older you get, the higher stakes they are. I try my best not to focus on these worries, as most are ones that I can’t change the outcomes of through my actions anyway, but every now again they bubble up to the surface and I have to take a moment and break down aka crying. Hahahaha.

Whilst I’m actually ok with getting older, it sucks that other people that I love are getting older too. Kayak, aduh orang tua kita :( tapi kok kita gini-gini aja. Don't get me wrong, I think we all know Im not a family kind of person dari dulu tapi tetep lah kalau ngomongin tentang orang tua suka membuat kita sendu.

The other thing that sucks are expectations. Of course we all have expectations put on us by friends, family, ourselves, and quite often they are tethered to age and big birthdays in particular. I will admit that daydreaming teenage me would probably have expected to have a kid or two by now. My Mum had me when she was 24, so I always thought I’d have kids at a similar age until I was actually 29 and realised how ‘OMG! NO WAY! NO THANK YOU!’ huge the whole thing was.

I'm just hoping that one day at one point of my life, I would go back down memories lane and said "I feel content with my life".


That's it. Bye :)